These Jokes

These Jokes are by Demetri Martin: 

I asked "Can I get a trim, but it must have come out - Gay Beatle Please." 

A straw is your friend until you lose eye contact with a straw, then he will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

An ex-girlfriend is the same as an ok movie.  I liked it at the time but I don't want to see it again.

Whenever something good happens to me I wait two weeks to tell anybody, because I like to use the word fortnight.

I think bears and worms aren't very similar, until you use the word gummy. Then they are very similar.

Checkers taught me that one dude on top of another dude is a king, but life taught me that's a queen.

It's difficult to read this sentence without thinking about elephants.

Every fight is a food fight... when you're a cannibal.

I'm writing my book in 5th person, so every sentence starts with "I heard from this guy who knew somebody." It's going to be a long book, very gossipy.

He said "If comedy doesn't work out do you have a plan B?" I said "Hell no, my plans are numbered."

When someone shows you a picture of their kid what they don't want to hear is "Oh yeah, I have a photo of your kid too!"

Whenever I see an autobiography in the book store I just look at the 'About the Author' section. I'm like "Done, next!"

Sometimes I feel like boardgames could all have the same title - "Which One of My Friends is a Competitive Asshole?"

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with astronauts - "Captain I think we're farther than I thought."

It's just frustrating you know, because it sucks that that whole group took all of refractive light.

My mother actually has an irrational fear that I have a Demetri Martin addiction. 

'Cool' is All About Leather Sleeves

“I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.” - Demetri Martin

I went to Yuk Yuks this week and was inspired to make my next entry about my favorite comedian. My mind/bladder is highly stimulated every time I listen to/watch Demetri Martin. I first discovered his stage performance "If I", a deliciously intellectual, and hilarious story of self-discovery. Not only did he inspire me to acquire useless skills, and want to do brainteasers for fun; he really made me think and laugh hard. If I, can be found on YouTube in multiple sections. He also has a show on the comedy network, Important Things with Demetri Martin. The premise is that he picks an 'Important Thing' to theme each show around. Previous things have included power, chairs, timing, and brains. He's a comedic master, and incorporates jokes, skits, songs, sketches, and even graphs! You can watch Important Things here. Demetri is also ( a superhuman, a genius, a man with a wicked name...I digress) a great actor and is currently starring in the movie Taking Woodstock. I can't wait to see it.

Jokes [>] ( you'll get this reference after one show )

Ha-“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’

Haha-“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”

Hahaha- “‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of – it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’”"I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such…a specific item. I don’t know that many words and I’m going out…and I have pants. Perfect!”

Hahahaha-“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”

Hahahahaha-“One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that’s a bad thing, but to me that’s just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That’s not an impediment, that’s suspense! What’s he going to say? Car?? …or Carnival?? …Carburetor!?!? Man…"

LOL-“An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?’”

Dark Chuckle-"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters."

LMFAO-"I heard this lady say “I love kids.” That’s ni

ce, a little weird though. It’s like saying “I like people, for a

little while.” “How old are you? 14? Fuck off!” You can say “I love kids” as a general statement, that’s fine. It’s when you get specific that you get in to trouble. “I love twelve-year-olds.”

Giggle- "I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am."

Joke that accompanies sketch/exclamation above: 'I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. "

Important thing= This blog -"If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy."

Laugh, it's important.