These Jokes

These Jokes are by Demetri Martin: 

I asked "Can I get a trim, but it must have come out - Gay Beatle Please." 

A straw is your friend until you lose eye contact with a straw, then he will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

An ex-girlfriend is the same as an ok movie.  I liked it at the time but I don't want to see it again.

Whenever something good happens to me I wait two weeks to tell anybody, because I like to use the word fortnight.

I think bears and worms aren't very similar, until you use the word gummy. Then they are very similar.

Checkers taught me that one dude on top of another dude is a king, but life taught me that's a queen.

It's difficult to read this sentence without thinking about elephants.

Every fight is a food fight... when you're a cannibal.

I'm writing my book in 5th person, so every sentence starts with "I heard from this guy who knew somebody." It's going to be a long book, very gossipy.

He said "If comedy doesn't work out do you have a plan B?" I said "Hell no, my plans are numbered."

When someone shows you a picture of their kid what they don't want to hear is "Oh yeah, I have a photo of your kid too!"

Whenever I see an autobiography in the book store I just look at the 'About the Author' section. I'm like "Done, next!"

Sometimes I feel like boardgames could all have the same title - "Which One of My Friends is a Competitive Asshole?"

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with astronauts - "Captain I think we're farther than I thought."

It's just frustrating you know, because it sucks that that whole group took all of refractive light.

My mother actually has an irrational fear that I have a Demetri Martin addiction.